dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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