My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Damn victory sex feels great
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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