I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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