you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
