you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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