no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
