You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My life is pants optional.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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