tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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