You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
is it fun? or sober?
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