I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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