Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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