Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
