Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
