i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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