you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
