Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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