some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I will pee on everything he values.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
