oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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