You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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