It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
