I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
