I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
