Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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