Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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