What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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