hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
