You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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