you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
