haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
