I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
