he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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