My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
