I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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