We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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