she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
