i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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