My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she told me i tasted like america
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
