Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
