I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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