i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
