I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
