last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
