i think i have two assholes
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
