He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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