dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
