Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
