My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
