Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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