it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
