every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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